Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
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