I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize