its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize
