Ambien. No doubt about it.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
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