Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
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