Your mouth is God's brothel.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
