Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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