so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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