Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
