I feel great
I just peed on a car
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
What a dumb baby whore.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
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