Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Randomize
