Pregnant stripper...not hot.
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
