2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Hahaha, sighhhh...I texted him to no response. It's a shame, really...I would gladly exchange my body for pizza rills.
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
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