He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
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