I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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