what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Randomize
