roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
