she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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