This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Randomize
