My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
Randomize
