we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
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