fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
I need moral support for this bender
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
