My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
