Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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