Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Randomize
