I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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