i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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