After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
