i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Randomize
