Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
