I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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