I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
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