Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
my penis made a compromise with my morals
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
