Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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