Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
i think my cat just said my name.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Randomize
