thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize