I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Randomize
