i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
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