You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
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