Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I'm way too hungover for life right now
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
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