I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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