2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
