I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
