he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
Randomize
