Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Randomize
