all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
