just saw an old couple make out...not too sure how I feel about it. though I will admit at one point I was thinking "oh yeah! get that!"
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
