oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Be still, my beating vagina.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
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