3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
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