I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
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