I look better un-naked...
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Randomize
