Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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