the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
