Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
