I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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