Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize