It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
