anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Randomize
