The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Randomize
