I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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