Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize